A bad mood

I know I'm supposed to be finishing almost finished objects, and blogging old FOs so there is a record of them somewhere. But I don't feel like it today. I'm feeling melancholy. Melancholy and fickle. I don't feel like doing anything I have to do. And I can't decide what I want to do. I'm sad and angry. I exhausted but I don't want to sleep. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, but I can't scratch it off to reveal something nicer.

I miss my Mom. I want her back and I want to throw a huge tantrum until I feel someone in charge is listening to me and will either a) return her to me or b) explain why not. But I know neither will happen. I've lost touch with people I love. I had a best friend in college. For four years we were inseparable. I don't know how we spent so much time together and didn't kill each other. We were room mates, took the same classes, same sorority, same everything together. Then we lost touch. To this day I can't say why, but it saddens me. Deeply. I miss her presence in my life. She was liquid gold sunshine, and just being around her was fun, and she made me fun too. Things were just "more" if she was there. And I miss that "more". But I could run into her at the supermarket someday. I could call an old friend and they could say "Guess who I saw the other day." She's still out there, making things "more." But I'll never run into my Mom at the grocery store. She's not anywhere I can touch. She's just gone. She's left this huge gaping hole I can't fill. I cry making lunch and tell the kids I'm crying because I hate canned ravioli. Not one of them ate the ravioli that day. I might have scarred them for life.

I'm sick of the constant limbo of waiting to hear about The Greatest's possible job. This waiting isn't a surprise, we knew it would be mid-August at the earliest before we knew something concrete. But this feeling of living a suspending life is wearing on one's soul. We need to take one course of action if we're moving and a completely different course if we're staying. Until then we do nothing surrounded by two lists of things that need done. It weighs heavy on my mind, even though I know I can't do anything about it.

I'm tired of half dreams, and unfulfilled dreams, and half knit garments.

I've got a secret project that is nearing completion. But I'm finding it's lacey goodness too tedious. I can't concentrate and focus the way I need to.

Evil taunts me and must be frogged.

I tried to cast on something new. But I don't have the needles for Starsky. I flip through my other patterns, but none really catch my eye. I find an aran sweater I love, but it is child sized. I know at some point I will up-size it, but not today. I try to hug my stash for inspiration, but there's too much to see at one time. Too many random possibilities. I need to organize it. But I just don't feel like it today. I resort to sitting in front of my computer looking at pictures of my stash to try and decide if I have yarn I want to use and what I want to use it for. That doesn't work.

I've cast on for Somewhat Cowl, but even as I knit I know my yarn sub is unsuitable and I'll never be happy with the results, but I knit and knit and knit anyways, just to knit. I can always frog it later with Evil when this strange funk leaves.

Until then I wander, unsatisfied, and cry.

I wish it would stop raining.