Sunday, March 05, 2006

No Knitting Content

It's a small box. One of those grey velvet boxes you get from a real jewelry store. Nothing really special about it. It fits in the palm of my hand. It's pleasant to touch. Meaty loves to stroke it. He likes tactile sensory experiences. He's a bit like me that way. Just a little box, but it weighs heavy on my mind.

Six or seven years ago when my Aunt was dying she gave my Mother a ring. It's a beautiful 3.25 caret Pink Tourmaline Ring. It is shiny and stunning. When I came to visit my Mother she let me borrow it. It was joyous to wear. It was larger than any piece of jewelry I had ever worn before. It was heavy and I was constantly aware of its beauty on my finger. I talked with my hands, waving them around so I could see the pink color in motion, hoping that others would see it as well and admire this small piece of beauty. Wearing such beauty made me feel more beautiful. It was fun to wear. I was a bit sad to return the ring to my Mother.

The next time I came home for a visit my Mom she gave me the ring. She told me she couldn't bring herself to wear it. I protested that my Aunt had given it to my Mom and she would want my Mom to enjoy it. My Mom told me she just couldn't do it and the ring would be better on my hand than in her jewelry box. I took it but told my Mom it was only on loan and she could have it back any time she wanted. She's never asked for it back. I've even had the ring resized for my finger. It's my ring and I love it.

I've never understood my Mother's reluctance to wear this ring. It is a beautiful thing that was loved by my beautiful Aunt. She wanted my Mom to have it because she knew my Mom had always loved that ring. It made me sad that my Mom couldn't enjoy it.

Now I understand.

Inside that small grey box is a matching pink tourmaline necklace. My Father bought it for my Mother. It is on the most delicate gold chain I have ever seen. It is so dainty and feminine. From a distance of a few feet the chain almost blends in with the skin so the pink pendant appears to be hanging there of it's own volition. Almost as if the jewel were part of the wearer's very skin. The effect is stunning. I've always loved this necklace. My Mom was so happy to receive this necklace and always looked so pretty wearing it. I've borrowed it from my Mom on occasion. I even think I've broken the chain and had to repair it before my Mother found out. It is another piece of beauty that makes the wearer feel more beautiful.

My Mother is dying. She's given me this necklace. Had she given this to me for my Birthday I would be overjoyed. Or for Christmas, or for Flag day. But she has given this to me because she is dying, and she won't need it anymore. She's given it to me now before her death. There will be no more occasions in her life where she will want to wear a pretty pink necklace. That makes me sad. Endings are sad.

I tried the necklace on yesterday. It was beautiful, but heavier than I remember. Unlike the heft of the ring that was a fun reminder of a small piece of beauty on my hand, the weight of the necklace was crushing. When I placed the necklace around my neck I could feel the weight of my grief hanging from that slender chain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move to take the necklace off. I crumpled to the floor sobbing, my legs giving out under the weight of my pain.

The Greatest took the necklace off and put it back in the box.

The cost of owning this necklace is too high. The price is my Mother. I'd like to return it. Maybe someday I will be able to wear it and take pleasure in it's weight. Maybe I will enjoy the connection with my Mother, the way I enjoy the connection with my Aunt when I wear her ring. Maybe someday I will wear it and remember my Mom and smile. Or maybe someday I will give it to Pork Chop or Bird. They will thrill at owning something so pretty. They will enjoy the way it feels against their skin. They won't understand the price paid for this necklace, what owning it really means.

It means my Mother is dying.

Just a little grey box. But it sits on my dresser, larger than it's actual physical dimensions. I hate having it, but I can't leave it alone. I stare at the box. Touch it as if holding this box that belonged to my Mother will keep her spirit here on Earth with me. I want to wear it. I want to enjoy it. I want to feel connected to my Mom. But mostly I want my Mom.

15 comments:

Lynda said...

I am so sorry - your grief is so palpable that my heart aches for you, and I will certainly pray for you, and your dear mother.

When my grandmother was dying of cancer (22 years ago) she called my sister and I to her house. I was 25, my sister 20. She had something for us. She had taken her diamond stud earrings, the ones she wore every day, and had my grandfather take them to her favorite jeweler to re-set into pendants for my sister and I. My sister and I have worn these matching diamond necklaces every day of our life, for the last 22 years.

Areli said...

I am sorry you are hurting so much and about your mom. I will join my prayers with Lynda's for you and you mom.

Katrina said...

I am at a loss for words. You write so beautifully. I feel so deeply for you. I will never ever be able to understand why we have to lose the people we love. My heart is with you.

candsmom said...

I am so, so sorry Mamma. I am sitting here, crying, and at a complete loss for words. "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to cut it at a time like this. I feel your grief so deeply and reading your beautiful post breaks my heart. I wish there were something I could do to take away your pain. My heart aches for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs*

Dee said...

Someday you will put your mother's necklace around your neck to feel something of hers close to you. You will want it next to your skin as it once laid next to hers and you will touch it with such love. But now, you feel that you are making a trade that is just too much to bare. It's okay to feel this way now. You are grieving and you are angry. Find comfort in the tiny arms of your babies. Much Love, "Dee"

Kim said...

I am so very sorry :o( You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was more I could do.

Chris said...

*hug*
My thoughts are with you and your mom....

shizzknits said...

Your writing brought tears to my eyes. I'm so so sorry that you and your family are going thru this. You will all be in our thoughts and prayers.

shiguy4076 said...

Your post was so sad and beautifully written. I love you mom and it breaks my heart to hear you so sad. I don't know what to say except that I am here for you and love ya.
Love
shi

Tam said...

Warm cyber-hugs and prayers from over here. Your writing is so moving. I'm sitting here bawling. That's how I felt when my grandma (who is still alive) started giving her stuff away. I told her, "I don't want any of your 'stuff' if it means you have to die." Not worth it. Not one little bit.

MusicalMom said...

Wow--your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry!

knittinmom said...

Wow. That was a beautiful post, and I'm so sad for you. I'm glad your manly socks cheered you up a bit!

Miriam said...

*hug* That's about all I can say... wait, I got something.... I have some pieces of jewelry that my grandmother left me. And I think that once she is gone, it will be easier to see the jewelry as a connection to her. Just remember that she gave it to you because she loves you and knows you will love something that was so special to her. Make her happy by loving it.

When I wear the jewelry my grandmother gave me, I think of her. I wore my great grandmother's ring at my wedding, and I wore my grandmother's necklace at my wedding reception. It made me feel like they were there in some fashion, granting their support.

*hug*

mama_tulip said...

I so utterly understand what you are feeling and what you are going through right now. My mother amassed an extensive jewelry collection in her lifetime and began to give pieces to me that she knew I coveted when she was given a timeline. The last piece of jewelry she ever gave me was a stunning diamond and sapphire dinner ring that we chose together for my college graduation. She gave it to me while she was in the hospital and although her thoughts were muddled and cloudy she spoke clearly to me when she gave it to me. I'll never forget her words.

Wear the jewelry with pride, fierce pride, and remember your mother when you do wear them, but only when you are ready.

Hippy Mama said...

I understand where you are coming from on this. I'm reading this book right now and it may be of help to you. While it is helping me I think it's real gift is that I'll be able to teach my children how to deal with grief.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060952733/sr=8-1/qid=1142662366/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-9160840-7664826?%5Fencoding=UTF8