Wednesday, May 31, 2006

No Knitting, just great pictures

For Memorial Day we spent the day on the water.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I love going out on my In-Laws boat. It is so peaceful.

Meaty drove,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pork Chop posed,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And Bird contemplated life.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I used this opportunity to take pictures of my favorite man.

At first he resisted

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

But then he gave into the inevitable and smiled.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

a lot.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

As you can see we went "tubing" which proved to be more of an effort for some *cough*my dad*cough*

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

than others (my BIL).

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

But for some strange reason when it was my turn the camera memory was full. Funny how that worked, tee-hee.

A good time was had by all.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Thanks In-Laws!!!

Monday, May 29, 2006

My Amazing Lace Entry

I am trying to stay busy, trying to keep my sanity. Some days are harder than others. I can't sleep unless I am exhausted, so every moment of the day that I'm awake, I'm moving.

In my efforts to drive myself to distraction I have joined this summer's Amazing Lace.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Allow me to introduce you to my partner: Leda's Dream

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Isn't she lovely? The moment I saw her I knew I had to make her. Where do I begin? She's so pretty. I prefer stoles to triangle shawls, so she was just the right shape. The pattern looked challenging, interesting to knit despite the rectangle construction. The cherry on top is she is made from Knit Pick's Alpaca Cloud, and we all know how I feel about Knit Picks. So my love affair began.

I bought my yarn,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

gathered all the necessary supplies to embark on my Amazing Lace Adventure,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

and knit my gauge swatches.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It was a match made in heaven, or so it seemed.

Let's let Leda say a few words, then I'll elaborate.

Hi I'm Leda.

Aren't I pretty? I am soooo pretty. And you should just feel me! I am soft, just like a bunny. You just want to rub me against your cheek like a lovie and take a nap with me. I am fabulous. Just look at me. Go ahead, scroll back up and admire me. Beautiful things are meant to be admired.

So of course I was a shoo-in for the Amazing Lace. How could anyone resist knitting me? I am so pretty. I hate to admit this but the whole world just opens wide up to you when you're pretty. I could jump right to the top on my looks alone. Any one would be lucky to be paired with me. I couldn't wait. I was sure my partner would be pretty too. After all don't 10s marry 10s? So I must admit I was disappointed when I saw who I was paired up with.

I mean just look at her.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

What's up with the greens not matching, and is that ice cream on her shirt? Not to mention the lame hair clip. I think she's been wearing that since 1993. And don't get me started on the bags under her eyes. This girl needs some serious skin care. And a pedicure. Did you see her chipped toenails? She is so out of her league with me.

But I found out this girl has some skills. She made this and this and this. Under her steady hands I have just blossomed. We've had a few snags. I mean it took her five tries to get past the first 16 rows for goodness sakes, but now things are just flowing. I'm long, and gorgeous. You can see my true potential even without the blocking.

I have every confidence that we will finish first in the Amazing Lace.

See what I mean. Whew, this knit has....what's the word I'm looking for.....balls? (get it, yarn balls, hee hee, I'm punny) She is soft like a bunny, but self-absorbed. She's pretty brainless. Not nearly as challenging as I'd hoped from such beauty. I'm already already knitting the fourth repeat of five 84 row repeats. At this rate I'll be done by next week. I might be shopping for a new partner soon. But until then here's our official team photo.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

My Quest

The Blue Blob is done!

And it was a photo finish. From ten skeins of yarn this is all I have left.

so close

I must confess I was sweating a little bit at the end. Worried I would run out of yarn. I'd already bought all the skeins the LYS had, so if I needed more yarn than what I had on hand I was screwed. But luckily it worked out just fine. It was even a bit of a rush to cut it that close. I'm so excited. It's all grafted, and ends are woven in. It's beautiful and I can't wait to show it off.

But I need a picture.

This one simply won't do.

blobby goodness

The Greatest is out of town this week, so he couldn't take a picture of me with my masterpiece.

In the absence of The Greatest I turn to Pork Chop to be my photographer. She's actually really good, but alas, she had school today.

My Knitting Buddy was supposed to come over to knit, and she could have taken my picture, but "supposedly" her "daughter" was "sick" (a likely excuse) so she bailed on me. (just teasing, I love you girl)

In desperation I tried to get Bounce to take a picture, and I honestly wish I hadn't deleted her pictures from the camera. They were quite interesting. One was just my butt (I really need to buy some butt flattering jeans), another one was the dog with a bit of my shawl in the lower corner. The best one was of the ceiling. Then she dropped the camera and in fear for my electronics I quickly assessed my options.

I could have given the camera to Bird, but she was asleep.

I could have handed it to Meaty, but I was afraid he'd scamper off with it to indulge in his new favorite past time: fun with the bathroom sink. Teaching them to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom is a double edged sword.

So lacking a photographer to take a picture of me with my shawl I turned to alternative models.

I tried Bounce.

Bouncy Bouncy

But true to her name, this was the only shot she held still for.

I tried Meaty.

My future GQ Model

But then there was a siren out the window and he had to go watch the ambulance.

I turned to the dog.

Pretty Girl

She held for one shot, then the cat walked by and it was all over.

So I gave up and turned to inanimate objects.

Rocking Chair

Useless couch

But none of it did my beautiful knitwork justice.

Meaty is horrified by the entire ordeal.

Oh the humanity

I'm still searching for a perfect picture, but here are the specs on my masterpiece.

Pattern: This one was a Frankenknit. I started out with the center square from here, I added a Chalice border from Donna Kooler's Encyclopedia of Knitting, and finished with the hem from Eunny's Print O The Waves Stole

Yarn: Filatura Di Crosa Dolce Amore, 10 skeins, color 31 (My Christmas Present from The Greatest)

Needles: Size 6 Addi Turbos

Review: I love this yarn, absolutely love it. It is 100% cotton and wonderful. I love the thought that since it is cotton it will just get softer and softer as I wear it and wash it. I enjoyed picking out the different element of the shawl, matching the curvy border to the center piece, finding a hem that mimics the center border. I was worried that the hem would ruffle a little bit, and it does. I was afraid the ruffle would ruin the entire piece, but the ruffle is very light and feminine and I think it adds a nice touch. Someday I'll show pictures of me and my precious, but for now this is all I have to give you.

The things they make me do

Monday, May 22, 2006

Due to graphic content Viewer discretion is advised

Don't worry about me.

I'm fine....Now.

For Mother's Day I got a cold. Not the sniffles. Not a polite tiny girly cough. I got a COLD. I had a nose that leaked like a faucet. I couldn't go more than three inches from a box of tissues. I had mucus draining down the back of my throat. It was so thick it threatened to drown me. It filled my stomach so it churned constantly. I couldn't eat because my stomach was already full of thick snot. I coughed, deep hacking coughs that woke the children. Coughs that were so hard I think I bruised my ribs but the mucus was so thick in my chest nothing came up. My head hurt for a week straight, right behind my eyes. I think my head was so full of mucus my sinuses were pressing on my eyes from inside my head. My eyes still hurt, my head still hurts, I'm still coughing.

So to whoever sent this little bug to me for Mother's Day: Thanks-a-fucking-lot. I don't know what I did to you to make you think I deserved this but I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep as soon as I find who you are. Right after I cough on you.

Consider yourself warned.

In more pleasant news the green sweaters are DONE. And this

pretty blue blob

Why that's the finished blue blob.

And these

cheesy girl
(Chessy grin before school)

lazy boy
(No matter how many times I shoo him off this is his favorite spot for early morning cartoons)

hungry girl
(I swear that sandwich is bigger than her head, and she still ate most of it)

Why these are my cute kids. See, I have been doing good things with my life.

Monday, May 15, 2006

So much to say, but none of it is getting said today

Sometimes I avoid my blog.

Sometimes I don't have anything to say. I want to be funny, and witty, and interesting and relevant. I want people to read my writing and think it is good. I want to be recognized for a talent beyond making THE BEST yogurt sundays and the ability to breastfeed a newborn while helping a two year old pee in a cup. I want people to see something they want to be a part of, a person they want to know, a life they want to share, a blog they want to read. But sometimes my life offers me no blog fodder. The days are mindnumbingly similar, day after day. I get up, feed and dress three children, often feeding and sometimes dressing my Sister's children when they get here. My day is an endless string of laundry, cooking, picking up toys, inventing ways to get out of doing the dishes and constantly chanting "We don't ______" (the blank running the gamut from ordinary hitting and taking toys to the more interesting biting the dog and my personal favorite from the weekend "We don't tell people to "kiss my pee-nie").

But other times I avoid my blog because I have too much to blog about. Bird's birthday was this weekend. I need to write her birthday post. I want that to have it's own post, she's so pretty and special. She deserves her own post.

But it was also Mother's Day this weekend. As a daughter it was a hard day. I miss my Mom. That's a whole post. But for the first time my Kids were really into Mother's Day and I as a Mom had a great day. Both those things deserve their own post. I don't want to put them together, some of it is just too hard.

I still can't find my mpio. I'm offering a reward for the return of my MPIO FL100. It is strapped into it's armband with the earbud headphones dangling. The playlist is mostly Teagan and Sarah with some James Blunt, and the entire Bo Bice album (don't judge me). I could go into why I need it back so badly, it's tied to my Parent, and my history with music, it's a long story but that is it's own post. I got a new MP3 player for Mother's Day. I like it well enough, I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, it's been charging, but I'm really hoping the MPIO will surface now that it's been replaced. That's the way the universe usually works, right?

So now I have four posts I need to write, not to mention the green sweaters are blocking, and I need to write my intro for the Amazing Lace.

So now I'm up to six posts.

Plus we've got new neighbors. They've been here a total of 16 hours so far and I hate them already. This must be a new record. Their chosen method of decorating seems to be carrying the furniture to approximately where they want it, then dropping it. The apartments on wither side of us used to be occupied by families with children. I've never heard any sound from either apartment. I've lived in apartments for atleast a third of my life and I've never had my walls vibrate like that. I was afraid my mirror was going to vibrate right off the walls. And they were at it at ten o'clock at night. Poor Bird has a stuffy nose, and couldn't sleep between the noise and her nose. I had half a mind to take her over there and parade her in her jammies with her swollen eyes and red nose infront of them as guilt-inducing proof of their rude bad neighbor behavior. And they're really old, osteoporosis grey-haired old, which isn't why I hate them it's just they're going to hate living by my noisy brood, and what could these tiny old people really have been doing to make so much noise? I miss the days when the apartments on either side of us were full of kids too. Oh, the joys of apartment living.

So that's seven posts, well, actually, I think I'm still at six, I've pretty much said all I need to say on the crummy new neighbors. But still, six posts, I don't know where to start.

And I'm all out of blogging time. I must go feed my three children. If I don't feed them they tend to get inventive and feed themselves. Friday it was strawberries, which would have been fine but when they were full they decided to mash the rest of the container into the carpet. My entire four foot hallway from the living room to the kitchen was red. You can see why I must go and avoid another such disaster. Thank goodness for the spot-bot. That thing was worth every penny.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I now have a stash, just not that kind of stash

Once upon a time, long long ago...Well, really it was only last month, a humble girl got her tax return. It was not a large return but it was enough. Bills were all paid off, money for a much needed plane ticket was found, new summer clothes for the children were bought. Life was good. This humble girl was happy, except her Mom was sick. Her liver had failed and she was going to die. The humble girl was very sad. Her Handsome Prince loved her very much, but he could not fix this for her. He searched and searched, and thought and thought of a way to make his beloved smile. After a long minute of very deep thinking he suggested she order some yarn. Any yarn, from any where, anything she wanted. Just get some yarn to make you smile. The humble girl had to be told twice, but then...The humble girl got carried away. Three websites, and five packages later she had this.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The sacred garbage bag of yarn.

In the humble girl's defense every single skein of yarn ordered is earmarked for a specific project. Nothing was bought just because, except the 18 skeins of sock yarn bought from knitpicks when she learned they were discontinuing her favorite color of sock yarn (no not all 18 are the same color, only 8, the other 10 were pretty and discontinued and calling her name). And even those are obviously going to be socks at some point. Yes all 92 skeins are going to be something. I'm cringing a bit, I didn't realize exactly how many skeins there were until this moment when I added them all up. I hope my, I mean, the humble girl's Handsome Prince doesn't read this.

Seven skeins have already been turned into this.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It's brown and cuddly and warm, but itchy. When will I learn to leave alpaca alone. No matter how soft the skein, the sweater is always itchy. A write up will be posted later.

On Monday the Amazing Lace will commence. I've been training and I am in racing shape. I've got just the project in mind to be my partner, and yarn in the bag for just such an endeavors but before then I must finish this

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

These are matching apple green cardigan for the girls to wear at their joint birthday party. Yes, the yarn is from the bag, and I've already used 7 skeins. The pattern is Tater's Cotton Cardi from Marie Grace-Yarn Slayer, sorry I can't get the link to the actual pdf to work, just go to her site, the pattern is on the left. She's great, I had a question about the pattern and she answered it instantly. You gotta love that in a designer, fabulously talented and still willing to help out the lesser knitter. This pattern is a top down raglan, my first, and I'm loving it.

I know I'm crazy to knit anything for Bird, but this time I'm sure it will be different. This time the sweater is cotton. Maybe she'll love cotton. Maybe she'll try it on and insist she get to wear it everyday. Maybe she'll love it so much she'll even insist she get to sleep in it. I'm sure that when I tried it on her yesterday to check to make sure the sleeve was long enough she was just yelling "No, Mommy, No" because she wanted to wait until the entire sweater was finished before the "Big Reveal." I can't help it. I have this unshakable mental image of the girls dressed for their party in white outfits with pretty embroidery and matching sweaters on top. They'll have freshly scrubbed faces, and neatly combed hair tied up in ribbons or apple green i-cords. They'll look so pretty. My two pretty girls. The picture will be perfect, it will be my favorite picture of them. As they grow they'll love this picture as well. It will hang framed in their room. They'll take it to college and set it on their desk. It will always be their favorite picture too. My two pretty girls.

So what exactly are the Vegas odds that I can actually get the sweater on Bird AND get a picture of her smiling in it.? And would it be considered cheating if I tried to get in on a piece of the action? (I fear I am on the verge of an uncontrollable yarn buying addiction, and I must finance it somehow. Betting in Vegas may be the way to go.)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

TrixieG is a SUPERHERO

What's a girl to do when she realizes her SP is really a superhero in disguise?

Case in point?

My Final SP package.

She was amazing picking out just the right things for me. I really appreciate how she took the time to find out what I like and got the perfect things.

Here's my new measuring tape.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Could anything be cuter. I've measured everything that will stand still, as well as my children (who never stand still). For the record Meaty's thigh is the same circumference as Pork Chop's.

My chocolate.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The green one has calcium, yummy and nutritious, just what chocolate should be.

My bunnies. I love bunnies.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The peeps were given a quick and merciful death by the children, mostly by beheading.

And the yarn.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

That's Alpaca Cloud in Tide Pool (like petting a bunny), Shadow in Sunset, and crack in blue and black, I mean kid silk haze.

This package has a lace theme. Did she know I had joined Summer 2006 Amazing Lace?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And there were patterns.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Fibertrends Spirit of the Southwest Shawl, Fibertrends Pacific Northwest Shawl, and the Elizabeth Scarves.

I would be knitting me some lace right now, but I need to get two tiny sweaters done for the Girl's birthday party at the end of this month. I've got this insane idea that they're going to have matching apple green cotton sweaters worn over white outfits (a dress for Bird, skirt and shirt for Pork Chop) then it's going to be all lace all the time around here for a while.

And finally, shipped separately so I had another package to open came this.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

That's Cascade Fixation for my Mon Petit Chou knit-a-long, (more lace!). I love the baby pink, I think I'll dress it with an apple green ribbon. (oh yeah, Dad don't click the link, it's lingerie, I won't be posting pictures of the finished item)

So the biggest Thank You in the world goes out to TrixieG. You made this Secret Pal round so much fun. I've really enjoyed your notes, and haunting the mailbox. You are a superhero.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Why I hate to sleep

I had another dream.

I was living with my Parents again. Things were normal. My Husband and children were there. Both my Parents were there. My Sister and her oldest child were there. Just ordinary life. The details of which are entirely too boring to recount. Very mundane.

Then, in my dream, I remembered my Mom dying. I remembered her being sick. I remembered walking up the steps to my parents room and hearing the Nurse tell my Father she was gone. I remembered the funeral. All of it came rushing back to me.

I felt so confused. I couldn't understand why I remembered her dying when she was sitting in the other room. I had just spoken to her.

So I went to the other room to find her and she was gone.

I searched everywhere for her.

I tried to tell people that she had just been there, and I had to find her. But no one understood what I was talking about.

I needed her so much, but I couldn't find her. I didn't know why she'd left or where she'd gone. And I couldn't make anyone understand.

It was as if as soon as I realized she didn't really belong to us anymore she disappeared.

It was like losing her all over again.

I'd almost forgotten how much losing her hurt.

I'd almost forgotten how much I want her back.

Friday, May 05, 2006

The return to frivolity

I'm sick of myself. Sick of being in my own skin. Sick of feeling my feelings. Sick of hearing my own voice whining. Just sick of it.

So to distract you from all this I'm going to show you some knitting.

Why knitting you ask.

Well, this is a knitting blog.

Let me show you a pair of socks I made a few months ago. I was waiting to gift them to my Sister-in-law at Easter. Then the world exploded, so I haven't had time to show them off.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pattern: River Rapid Socks (couldn't make the pdf link, but google them, you'll find it)

Yarn: Knitpick Sock Garden in Hydrangea, 2 balls

Needles: 2 size 0 Addi Turbo circular needles

Modifications: I used my size 0 Addis because that's what I always use to make two socks at one time. I think I added two more pattern repeats to adjust for the smaller gauge, but honestly it was so long ago I can't remember. And since the socks now happily live with my Sister-in-law I can't go back and check.

Review: I really liked this pattern. It has a lot of subtle motion to it. I was a little concerned that the horizontal striped yarn would compete too much with the vertical shaping, but I think it turned out just fine.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It is a bit reminiscent of cables, but instead of crossing stitches it uses slanted decreases and yarnovers to achieve the affect.

Overall I really enjoyed this pattern. I was so pleased that these fit my Sister-in-law, but I could see a pair of these in my future.

BTW, my Sister-in-law is pregnant. Notice the careful pose to hide the baby belly. I see some tiny knitting in my future.

P.S. Keep Scrolling Down, there's more to see.

My Little Man-ly Socks

All this time I've been knitting for the wrong children.

My girls get lots of knitted things, hats, socks, sweaters.

I own an embarrassing amount of pink/purple sock yarn. I hoard little girl patterns. I have enough girly sweater patterns to keep my busy for years. All of my sweater designs in my head are for frilly little girl things.

And do my girls like me to knit for them?

Well, I was going to show all the pictures of Bird smiling in her hand-knitted garments, but there aren't any.

Pork Chop likes to be knitted for, but I've discovered someone who likes it more.

I don't know how I missed this.

In December of 2004 I made Meaty a roll-brim hat. It was blue camouflage acrylic yarn. Just a little hat. Took me a grand totoal of an hour to knit it. He wore it all winter. This year when we pulled out the winter hats he gravitated towards it and wore it all winter this year. It just barely comes to the top of his ears, yet he shuns all other hats and insists of stuffing his head into this poor hat. I don't know why I didn't realize he was wearing it because he wanted to, not because I was making him wear a hat.

Upon further reflection I realized that during dress-up he is always the one running around in an old knitted hat. There are plenty of other types of headgear in the dress-up box, but he likes the hats I made.

He likes my knitting.

So I knit him a pair of Manly Socks

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pattern: Mine

Yarn: Knitpicks Sock Essential in Black, One Ball

Needles: 2 size 0 Addi Turbos

Modifications: I made them small. I took out two pattern repeats and made them tiny. Little socks are so cute.

Review: He couldn't wait to wear them while I was knitting them. He kept making me stop so he could try them on. After I had the toe finished and all I had left was the Kitchner stitch he tried them on and refused to give them back. He wanted to run around the house in them with the needles still clinging to the final 16 stitches. He's barely taken them off. They also barely fit. I made the leg width/length big so he could grow, and the foot width big, but it was a photo finish for yarn consumption and I barely had enough yarn to finish the toe. They just fit in the foot length-wise. When he outgrows them I may frog back and steal some yarn from the legs to make the foot longer, or buy another skein to lengthen the foot.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

There's something very nice about knitting for someone who loves it so much. I see more blue yarn in my future.

Itchy Corsets for Everyone

True Fact: My Mom hated my knitting.

Well, she didn't exactly hate it. But she was definitely bored by it.

She didn't knit, and she didn't understand why I did.

I didn't mind that, but I did mind that every time I showed her something I knit she replied "That's nice, but don't make me one."

It really pissed me off. Unless you are my child or pregnant I won't knit for you unless you a) ask me to b)pick out the pattern c) pick out the yarn and d) let me take invasive measurements of your body.

So everyone I know who is worried I will gift them with an ugly sweater for Christmas can just relax. I wouldn't do that. Atleast not without knowing the distance between your shoulderblades. (let that be a warning to all to never turn your back on me)

Anyways, where was I going with this, oh yeah.

My Sister fit the above criteria.

Her prize?

An ITCHY Corset

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I'm feeling very lazy today (hey, it's my third post this morning) so I'm just going to say this sweater is the same as this one only in black. I blame Knitpicks for the itch.

In a side not that has nothing to do with my knitting, isn't that the coolest picture. I really like the lighting in my stairwell. My Sister is so pretty.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I think I hit the bottom

Until yesterday I felt like I was swallowed in an ocean of grief. There was nothing around me but water with no land in site for any direction. I was stranded all alone. I'm not a strong swimmer and if I can't touch the bottom I panic. Let me assure you this ocean had no bottom. So here I am, lonely, panicked, sad, and desperately trying to keep my head above water.

Then I watched Big Love. (Small confession I ordered HBO for the Sopranos, but keep it around for Big Love. I just might let The Greatest have another wife if it could be Margie.) One of the characters was talking about how sad she was when her sister drowned. She called it bone sad. I though that was the most appropriate description of what I'm feeling. I've got arthritis in my right knee, and when it is acting up it is amazing how deep the pain feels, this bone pain. It is sharp and unrelenting. My sadness is so deep it permeates ever cell of my body and is part of my very bones, sharp and unrelenting. I kinda perked up, paid more attention to what she was saying. She was talking about what I'm going through and I wanted to know how she got out of it. I wanted a road map for what to do, how to make it stop.

Long story short? She shaved her head.

Fuck that.

I'm not so grief stricken that the only thing that will make me feel better is to shave my head so my outsides are as "off" as my insides. There is a limit to how bad I feel and what I'm willing to do. I have found the bottom.

This isn't an ocean, it's just an Olympic size swimming pool. I'm still not a strong swimmer. It will take me a long time to reach the sides, or even a place where I can touch bottom and walk. But now I know there is a bottom.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Musings on grief

I had a dream the other night. I was with my Dad. We were cleaning his house, retouching the paint on the walls, vacuuming behind the couch. Serious cleaning. We were getting the house ready for my Mom. She had gone on a trip and we wanted to surprise her when she got home. We were so excited because she was coming home that afternoon, and we had to hurry to get everything done. We were so happy she was coming home.

Then I woke up.

Sometimes the fact that she is not coming back just hits me so hard. Like I've run full tilt into a wall (which I've done, I'll tell you that story sometimes, it's kinda funny). I'm shocked by the realization that she is gone, so stunned I can't breath. It hits me at the strangest times, like first thing in the morning, or when I'm putting on lotion she gave me, or when I forget and pick up the phone to tell her something that happened during my day.

I used to talk to her every day, sometimes twice. The Greatest used to marvel over how I could call her to tell her we were coming over, then proceed to spend the next half-hour talking to her and still have plenty to say when we got to her house. I miss her voice, laughing with her. We laughed so much.

I've been trying to give myself time to grieve, but I don't even know what that means. I don't have time to just sit around for two weeks crying, I've got kids who like to be fed on a fairly regular basis. I've been trying to let my emotions out, but I think The Greatest is really wishing, ok I know the Greatest wants me to keep back a bit of this anger. Alright, since I'm being soul-baring honest, he wants me for-the-love-of-all-that's-good to stop taking it all out on him RIGHT NOW. And I want to, I'm just so sad and angry.

I want to return to normal life. Back when I used to be able to focus on things. Back when I didn't lose everything important on a regular basis. Since her death I've lost my wedding rings, my palm (twice), my mp3 player, the car keys, my debit card, and my youngest two children (which really did happen, I'll tell you that story sometime, it's kinda funny). I've found all of them except the mp3 player. I'm just tired of losing things.

I know my life has been irreparably changed, that the old normal is gone. I just don't know how to find the new normal. I don't know how to not be so angry. I've done lots of knitting, but I don't know when to show it on my blog. It seems disrespectful to return to such frivolity.

I almost feel like returning to anything I did before she died is wrong, like I'm ignoring the fact that she is gone and her passing has made things different. Returning to the status quo would feel like I'm saying she didn't matter. As if I were saying things were one way when she was here, and now that she's gone it's still the same, as if her presence or absence doesn't make a difference.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do, how to handle this.

I miss my Mom.