Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I think I hit the bottom

Until yesterday I felt like I was swallowed in an ocean of grief. There was nothing around me but water with no land in site for any direction. I was stranded all alone. I'm not a strong swimmer and if I can't touch the bottom I panic. Let me assure you this ocean had no bottom. So here I am, lonely, panicked, sad, and desperately trying to keep my head above water.

Then I watched Big Love. (Small confession I ordered HBO for the Sopranos, but keep it around for Big Love. I just might let The Greatest have another wife if it could be Margie.) One of the characters was talking about how sad she was when her sister drowned. She called it bone sad. I though that was the most appropriate description of what I'm feeling. I've got arthritis in my right knee, and when it is acting up it is amazing how deep the pain feels, this bone pain. It is sharp and unrelenting. My sadness is so deep it permeates ever cell of my body and is part of my very bones, sharp and unrelenting. I kinda perked up, paid more attention to what she was saying. She was talking about what I'm going through and I wanted to know how she got out of it. I wanted a road map for what to do, how to make it stop.

Long story short? She shaved her head.

Fuck that.

I'm not so grief stricken that the only thing that will make me feel better is to shave my head so my outsides are as "off" as my insides. There is a limit to how bad I feel and what I'm willing to do. I have found the bottom.

This isn't an ocean, it's just an Olympic size swimming pool. I'm still not a strong swimmer. It will take me a long time to reach the sides, or even a place where I can touch bottom and walk. But now I know there is a bottom.


Amy said...

I'm so glad for you that you hit the worst and are clear enough to realize that that was it. Again, I'm still so sorry that you've lost your mom, Mamma. Praying for you and your family.

mama_tulip said...

Bone sad is a good way to describe it.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you are talking about. It hurts everywhere. My mom passed 11 months ago and I keep waiting for it to get better. I have longer periods of happiness, but when I am feels like I've lost her all over again. I too talked to my mom daily at the least, usually 3 or 4 times. We would laugh and laugh and bitch and bitch when we needed too. My outlet is gone. We could turn our worst of moods into laughter. Before you knew it the bitching was done and we were crying we were laughing so hard. I miss that...I too miss my mom.

Janis said...

I love Big Love. I thought something similar when she talked about the loss of her daughter.

Your pain and grief for your mother will get easier.