Sunday, May 07, 2006

Why I hate to sleep

I had another dream.

I was living with my Parents again. Things were normal. My Husband and children were there. Both my Parents were there. My Sister and her oldest child were there. Just ordinary life. The details of which are entirely too boring to recount. Very mundane.

Then, in my dream, I remembered my Mom dying. I remembered her being sick. I remembered walking up the steps to my parents room and hearing the Nurse tell my Father she was gone. I remembered the funeral. All of it came rushing back to me.

I felt so confused. I couldn't understand why I remembered her dying when she was sitting in the other room. I had just spoken to her.

So I went to the other room to find her and she was gone.

I searched everywhere for her.

I tried to tell people that she had just been there, and I had to find her. But no one understood what I was talking about.

I needed her so much, but I couldn't find her. I didn't know why she'd left or where she'd gone. And I couldn't make anyone understand.

It was as if as soon as I realized she didn't really belong to us anymore she disappeared.

It was like losing her all over again.

I'd almost forgotten how much losing her hurt.

I'd almost forgotten how much I want her back.


emotional girl said...

i believe that our loved ones visit us through our dreams.

maybe she was trying to tell you that physically, yes she is gone but she will never really leave you and your family.

about a week after my mom died, i had dream that i was visiting her in some sort of hospital or institution and there were doctor-like people that told me they were taking care of her and that she was getting better, adjusting to her new environment.
when i talked to her she told me that she was working with children.
then i walked away. suddenly i remembered to hug her and as i did i asked when she was coming home. she said "never" and i said "never,ever?"
she answered never, ever" and the dream ended.
i woke up devastated.
she was trying to tell me to let go and accept that she was not coming back but that she was always with me anyways.

i hope your dreams start to make you feel a little better instead of so much pain.

Katrina said...

I agree with the belief that our loved ones visit us through our dreams. And usually it's not some grand occasion, just the everyday life stuff that we dream about.

When dealing with moments of loss, for me it was not the going to sleep that bothered me the most (probably because I wore myself out to the point of exhaustion before falling into bed). What devastated me was the waking up and remembering all that I had lost.

You are constantly in my thoughts.

mama_tulip said...

I had dreams about my mom for months after she died -- that she'd never died, that she wasn't sick, that she came back and just started living her normal, ordinary, non-sick life again. After she died we moved into her house, my childhood home, and totally changed it to suit our tastes. I would dream that I'd come home only to find her there, with everything the way it was before she died, and I'd think, "Oh shit, she must be so mad that I thought she was dead and changed the house." Then I'd think, "God, where am I going to live?"

I dream about my mom a lot. Sometimes the dreams are okay and don't affect me and sometimes they really do bother me. I've had a few dreams where I've really felt like she was there with me, talking to me, being with me.

I know your mom is with you.

Cherice said...

I found your site through the knitty board.

My dad died the morning of my 36th birthday. It was the first phone call I got. I remember after he'd been gone for several months a new wave of grief, I missed him so badly I almost couldn't breathe. I remember having a dream about that time, I could feel him hug me. I could smell, feel and hear him telling me that he was okay. He's been gone seven and a half years and I miss him every day. But I know that he's still watching over us. Your mom is still with you. I hope that you can find comfort in your dreams about your mom. My thoughts are with you as you find your way through this painful time of grieving.

Cherice said...

Thank you for you nice comment. In my state (Colorado) supposedly if you rear end someone it is automatically your fault. But, the guy that hit me claimed that I was going over the speed limit, cut him off and slammed on my brakes. Um, I was driving a mini cooper with my 4 year old in the back seat and he was driving a Ford F 150, I'd be insane to do what he said (that and the mathmatics of what he claims don't work). I am still dumbfounded and think that the officer that came to the scene is friends with the guy who hit me. Oy! What a mess!

Trish said...

I am so sorry about the recent loss of your mom. I lost my mother to breast cancer 4 years ago, but I still cry from grief whenever I think about her. On earth, she didn't get to see me adopt my children, but I know that she is with them. I am so grateful to have had a wonderful relationship with my mother, and sometimes I still can't believe she's gone.

Whenever I have had an exceptionally good or even bad day, I think to myself that I have to call my mom and tell her all about it. And then I remember I can't call her, although I do speak to her with my heart, and I know that she knows.

What helps me get by, is believing that time is an illusion, and we will all be together soon enough, in the blink of an eye. Her memory lives on every time I remember her, or share with others the things she taught me about life.

God bless you and yours, and may you be comforted by your wonderful memories.