Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Easter Looms

Easter looms large on the horizon. Like a portent of hard times ahead Easter looms. Dark and foreboding. It haunts me drawing ever nearer. Easter should not loom. It should not be dark. And it most certainly should not herald doom.

Easter should be pastel. All baby blues, baby pinks, and butter soft yellows. Soothing colors of spring, and new life. There's a reason we dress babies in Easter colors. Easter should never be shaded in grey, it must be pastel...

With bunnies. Easter should be over-run with bunnies. I love bunnies. I used to have a litter trained bunny named Georgia Anne. She loved to run around dragging a Wal-Mart plastic bag behind her. We called the bag Mr Rustle. She also loved eating term papers. I remember returning to my dorm room one fine day to find my roommate clutching a half eaten piece of paper screaming at the bunny "You're not a rabbit! You're a goat!" To be completely truthful, there's a teeny tiny chance my room mate might not have loved the bunny as much as I did. But The Greatest loved my bunny, and I loved The Greatest. How can things be dark with memories like these? Soft fluffy bunnies who drag around plastic bags and eat important documents.

Easter should also mean sugar! And lots of it. First of all there's the chocolate. And not just any ordinary run of the mill chocolate. It's egg shaped chocolate. Don't you know the oval dimensions gives it more flavor. Mmmmmmmmm.......Oval Dove Chocolate. And there's tiny oval Snickers, and Butterfingers too. Not to mention the caramel Cadbury mini-eggs. Easter is the only time of year you can get the caramel mini-eggs. And the Sweet-Tarts shaped like bunnies and chicks. And the Starburst jelly beans. I'm not a fan of the jelly beans (unless they're black), but the Starburst ones? I'll make an exception for these. *sigh*I love Easter Candy. It's way better than Halloween candy. Who can fore tell doom with this much sugar coursing through your veins?

Easter should mean new white shoes, and pastel church dresses. Tiny straw hats for the girls, white with ribbons and flowers. Tiny white gloves on tiny fingers. A big boy shirt for the little man with buttons and a tie. Easter should mean shopping!

And the real meaning for Easter? It's too special for my blog, but we all know it means joy and eternal happiness. Where's the downside to that?

Yet, I find no joy in Easter this year. The bunny has not stocked up on a single piece of candy. She has not sought out the perfect new sunglasses and tooth brushes that the bunny always brings every year (go figure, the bunny brings candy and a new toothbrush). Instead of heralding fluffy bunnies and more sugar than a human should consume in one sitting, Easter heralds doom.

The last time I spoke to my Mom was on Good Friday. That was the last day I had a real meaningful conversation with my Mom. I wrote about it in on my blog last year. I said she tried to tell me all the things you tell someone you think you might not get to talk to again. I honestly didn't realize at the time that it really would be the last time I would talk to her. I thought there was more time. I thought there would be more to say. More laughter and stories. More time with her. If I had realize I would have stayed longer, I would have said more. I would have talked to her forever, as if I could have kept her alive in that moment forever. I wish I could have kept her from dying.

Easter was the last time I saw my Mom out of bed. She tried to be a part of Easter. She sat in a living room chair drifting in and our of sleep, I'm assuming from the painkillers. Unable to carry on a conversation but wanting so much to spend the holiday with her grandchildren she sat in the chair until we made her return to bed. As far as I know she didn't leave her bed after that. Again I didn't realize at the time that would be it. This would be our last holiday, our last memories. I thought she was having an especially bad day but I would get to talk to her tomorrow. Denial is an ugly thing sometimes.

So Easter looms large this year. No chocolate and bunnies for me.

I'm sad today.


emotional girl said...

I'm sorry.
The first are always the hardest especially if they are mixed with memories of the "last's".
My mom passed away on Father's Day and even though it's not the same date every year, it still can be hard.
How I seemed to get through the holidays was to just remember my kids. That my 'last's' and memories shouldn't become theirs as well...they had their own. So even when I didn't want to, even if my excitement and joy were fake, I just did it anyways.
That's the way my mom would have wanted it to be.

shiguy4076 said...

I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you on easter. Your thoughts are so eloquently put my heart breaks for you.

shizzknits said...

I'm so sorry that Easter will be hard for you. We'll be thinking of you & your family this Easter

Jenn W said...

This is a beautiful entry. I'm sorry and sad to hear how Easter will be colored for you, but I can somewhat understand. The holiday for me that's like that is New Year's, and it was my grandmother. She wanted so much to make it through one more holiday season with our family, that she did, but close to midnight, she had to ask to be taken home. That night, cancer pretty much took over completely, and she died within days. So when New Year's Eve comes around every year, I think of that last holiday. And it's almost like every minute I find myself recounting what happened, and when. I know my mom does the same, but it's worse for her, of course. So, I know how just the mention of a day that used to be happy, can now haunt you.

Bezzie said...

I hope you took a nap too.

I hate it when stuff like that happens so close to a discernable holiday because you'll always connect it to what should be a happy time of year.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and bring back the true sweetness of all those chocolate eggs and patent leather shoes. :-(

Anonymous said...

I'm surrounding you with thoughts of love and comfort. I am so sad when you are sad.

Keeping you close in my heart.

LilKnitter said...

I'm so sorry you lost your mother.

I lost a friend just after New Years last year, and oddly enough, I find Easter really difficult. All the singing in choir about sacrifice and's rough enough without adding personal loss.

I hope that, someday, Easter no longer looms for you.

Rani said...

Hang on. Soon enough, you'll be able to spend your time around Easter remembering the good stuff without the pain. It takes time.

Lynda said...

I'm so sorry - I pray (literally!) that you can find some joy in Easter this year. I know you will find some in your kiddos and The Greatest - cling to them and God.

It's hard when you have to muster up some joy - hang in there, my friend.