Birthday Thoughts

Not my Birthday, but my Little Man's. He turned Five on the 11th. I know, Bad Mommy, the 11th was over a week ago. Everything is running late around here. I'm late with my Thank Yous, late with my Birthday thoughts. I may never run on time again. Heck, most days I'm lucky if I get to brush my hair, let alone get somewhere on time.

There was a period in my life when I thought I wanted a family with all girls. I babysat a family with five little girls and they were the sweetest things on the face of the planet. The house was just filled with fluffy pink things. It was a girly haven. And those tiny girls all had such sweet dispositions. I loved babysitting for that family. I thought nothing would be better than growing up and having my very own troop of ribbon-wearing, doll-playing, sugar and spice and everything nice girls.

When I was pregnant with Pork Chop I decided I wanted a little boy. My Mom had a boy first. It seemed like the thing to do. I bought blue outfits declaring I could put blue on a girl if need be but my fingers were crossed for a boy. I day dreamed about a chubby smiling bald little boy in blue. This phantom boy was so real in my mind. Our ultrasound was disappointing. The baby would not show us what it was. We were there for hours and tried many thing to get the baby to move, but the baby would not budge and share its secret with us. I went home and sobbed into my couch. I knew only a girl would be that stubborn and uncooperative. My dreams of a bald little boy were shattered. Of course the moment the nurses handed me my beautiful baby girl I decided once again to never have boys. Who would want a boy when my Pork Chop was so beautiful? Girls are just so sweet and pink and fun to dress.

When I was pregnant with Meaty I wanted another girl. But I also knew this particular baby was not a girl. I was too sick. The baby kicked to hard when Eminem came on the radio. The Universe never gives me what I want. I just knew this was a boy. And the ultrasound confirmed it. He was there on the monitor proudly showing what he'd grown all by himself. He was all boy. I, once again, went home and sobbed into my couch. My mental picture of my family filled with pretty little ribbon-haired girls was shattered by this new blue spot. What would I do with a boy?

Of course the moment the nurses handed me my tiny little man I immediately forgot that wispy dream of a family of girls. Who would want a family with nothing but girls when you could have a tiny little man? And though he rarely admits this out loud, The Greatest was so proud to have a SON. If I had been given a girl I would have missed out on this

I would have missed out on finding the "Bug Jar" in the house with the lid lying across the room, not knowing if the jar was empty when it entered the house or if I had cause to fear. I would never have known the pain of stepping on army men (those plastic weapons are surprisingly sharp). I would have missed Hot Wheels and Airplanes and Trains. All things blue and loud and destructive. I would have missed Meaty. And my life would have been sad indeed.

This birthday is a big one indeed. He will start school in the fall. I'm excited for him, and I fear for him at the same time. I hope we will both be ready when the day comes. There's so much that is going to change in his life. So much he is going to learn and do. I'm sad to see him grow, but proud of him for growing so well. How I love my little man.

The universe has never given me the child I wanted, but it always gave me the child I needed. And I will forever be grateful.