Wednesday, February 15, 2006

We're going to be fine.

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I felt numb and shell-shocked from everything that occurred on Monday. Despite evidence to the contrary I'm actually a very private person and the worst of things weren't discussed here. But it is sufficient to say that the rhythm of our lives has irreparably changed and I wandered around yesterday trying to catch the new beat. Feeling hopelessly out of step.

I wandered from room to room touching things. I picked-up stray toys only to put them back down in exactly the same spot. I straightened pictures that were already square. Occasionally I paused to rub the Malabrigo against my skin. Feeling adrift and out of control I sought physical contact with something that could provide an anchor for me and my fears. But the toys were only toys. They were three dimensional with form and weight, but no solace. Straightening pictures made my walls orderly, but not my life. The yarn was soft, but held no wisdom. Failing to manipulate my physical world only made me feel even more lost and adrift with no control over my fate.

As I wandered Bird crossed my path. Running from Meaty she was a study of joy, with smiles, energy, shrieks, and giggles. I scooped her up without thinking, mechanically, the same way I had picked up everything else I had stumbled upon that morning. She squealed in protest at the interruption of her game, but an absentminded tickle sent her body pressed up tight against mine protecting her small tummy. I placed her soft round cheek against mine and felt peace. I smelled her hair and felt courage. I felt the weight of her life in my arms and gained wisdom. I had found my anchor. I knew we would be alright. Not because she was going to make it alright, but because I was going to make it alright for her, and her brother, and her sister.

I was once told that Motherhood gives you strength. That you know you can do anything if you're doing it for your children. As a twenty-one year old newlywed I couldn't imagine that kind of confidence, that surety of knowledge. I wasn't even sure if I could make dinner without burning it, let alone hold the world together by sheer force of will for tiny beings dependent upon you. Yesterday I understood.

We will be alright.

11 comments:

Chris said...

*hug*
Thoughts are with you...

Bitterknitter said...

What a beautifully written post! I know that things will find their order again in time. You will be alright. I'll be thinking of you!
(((((HUGS))))) (and maybe some virtual chocolate? Couldn't hurt!)

rincaro said...

Teary eyed now. But yes, you will.

Tam said...

(wiping tears) Yes. All I can say is...YES. (((((hug))))

Lynda said...

Wow - tears and hugs. You are more amazing than you will ever know, but your kids know... You'll be more than fine.

Amy said...

(((Hugs))) to all.
Thinking of you.

Areli said...

A very beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

kimberly said...

That was beautiful. HUGS are coming your way from all of us!!

candsmom said...

Hugs to you, Mamma. Motherhood gives you strength unknown, and you are a strong and wonderful woman. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

dee said...

We'll all be okay, sweetheart! You are a good mother, and supportive wife to the "greatest". Smell their sweet skin and take strength.(forgive my intrusion into your personal web site.)

shiguy4076 said...

Mama you are someone I admire to be like. You have my love and my support. Words cannot express to you how I adore you and your babies. Know that I am here for you whenever you need even if I don't always answer to phone know I'll call back. Love you tons.
Shi