Sunday, April 23, 2006

Its so strange.

I'm so unfocused.

There are days that change your life forever. You eternally divide your life between what happened before and what happened after. I thought I was sad when we moved from Chicago and I left my best friend behind. But I kept in touch with her, and made new friends that I love dearly. I thought I was sad when we sold our house last year. But we've made a new home, I rarely miss the old one. But how can I get over this? My Mom can never be replaced.

Mostly I'm numb. I wander around trying to hold in my mind the things that need done. Everything must be written down or instantly forgotten. I have no concept of time. Minutes both fly by and drag on forever. It all seems so unreal.

But occasionally I am hit very hard by the reality of it all.

I was driving to my Father's house and worrying about my siblings. They are all grieving in different ways. And they are all taking it so hard. Who wouldn't be taking it hard? Their Mother died. Suddenly I realized MY Mother died too. She is gone. I can't ever get her back.

I was at the store today. Just running some errands. Getting milk for the kids, and vanilla wafers. It was so normal. And I didn't belong there. It was all too ordinary. I feel so empty, so grief-stricken, so eternally changed. I'm so different inside I'm sure it must show on the outside. I feel as if people should be able to look at me and just know things are all wrong. I feel as if nothing will be normal again, and I don't belong in a place as normal as a grocery store.

I love my Mom so much. I miss her so much. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad. I can't help it right now.

I must thank everyone for their messages and thoughts. They mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for thinking of me during this time.


emotional girl said...

you put into words exactly how i felt in the days after my mom died...
again, i'm so sorry for you and if you ever need to talk i'm just an email away.

strangelittlemama said...

yes, I felt exactly the same after my mom died. I felt like everyone should be able to tell.
You will never be the same. I will be very honest with you about that. Your life is irrevocably changed, but eventually there will be a new sense of normalcy. I guarantee a day will never go by that you don't think of her. I think of my mom every single day, several times a day, 12.5 years later.
You will remain in my thoughts. I wish I could somehow make it better.

Katrina said...

My dear sweet friend,
How my heart aches for you. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Know that you are surrounded by loving thoughts as you walk through these days.

Chris said...

Thinking about you and your family - take care...

mama_tulip said...

I felt exactly the same way after my mother died, too. I looked around me and watched life go on and wondered how I'd ever be a part of it again. I felt like I'd lost half of my body. I felt empty. And I wondered how I'd ever, ever be happy again.

To echo strangelittlemama, you won't ever be the same and it hurts like hell, but it will get easier, even though that's hard to believe now. I've been thinking of you a lot since last week. Do whatever you need in order to get through the days, no matter how silly it may seem. I'm thinking of you.

kimberly said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tam said...

I know how you feel. I felt that way when my dad died. You try to go on with life but it just keeps "assaulting" you. Everything becomes about that person. I would buy a Coke and all I could think of was, "HE used to drink Coke in those little glass bottles that are 10 times the price and I thought that was so silly but now it isn't because I'd give anything to see him swigging out of one of those stupid bottles..." or I'd drive by a construction site and think "HE used to drive a backhoe and he was so good at it and he loved it so much and, God, I pray there is something he loves that much in heaven..."
It gets more bittersweet and less stab-in-the-guts painful after a while though, I promise. Hang in. We love you.

Taffi said...

"I'm so different inside I'm sure it must show on the outside. I feel as if people should be able to look at me and just know things are all wrong."

That is exactly how I felt when my dad passed away. Give yourself some time... it's cliche, but it does get better as you go along.

I'm so, so sorry.

knittinmom said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. It would break my heart to lose my mom so young - I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

shiguy4076 said...

I am so sad for your loss. Your mom was just so beautiful and fantastic that I cannot find the words to truly express how very sad I am for you and your family. I will be here to help anytime you need anything.