Neglecting My Kids

Its so strange.

I'm so unfocused.

There are days that change your life forever. You eternally divide your life between what happened before and what happened after. I thought I was sad when we moved from Chicago and I left my best friend behind. But I kept in touch with her, and made new friends that I love dearly. I thought I was sad when we sold our house last year. But we've made a new home, I rarely miss the old one. But how can I get over this? My Mom can never be replaced.

Mostly I'm numb. I wander around trying to hold in my mind the things that need done. Everything must be written down or instantly forgotten. I have no concept of time. Minutes both fly by and drag on forever. It all seems so unreal.

But occasionally I am hit very hard by the reality of it all.

I was driving to my Father's house and worrying about my siblings. They are all grieving in different ways. And they are all taking it so hard. Who wouldn't be taking it hard? Their Mother died. Suddenly I realized MY Mother died too. She is gone. I can't ever get her back.

I was at the store today. Just running some errands. Getting milk for the kids, and vanilla wafers. It was so normal. And I didn't belong there. It was all too ordinary. I feel so empty, so grief-stricken, so eternally changed. I'm so different inside I'm sure it must show on the outside. I feel as if people should be able to look at me and just know things are all wrong. I feel as if nothing will be normal again, and I don't belong in a place as normal as a grocery store.

I love my Mom so much. I miss her so much. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad. I can't help it right now.

I must thank everyone for their messages and thoughts. They mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for thinking of me during this time.