Friday, April 14, 2006


I went to see my Mom today. Her disease is progressing, as we knew it would.

She is on liquid morphine for her pain. I'm glad she's not in pain. But she is sleepy now. She drifts in and out of sleep mid-sentence. She tells me she is drifting seamlessly from reality to dream, incorporating the last conversation into her dream, then back to reality in a matter of minutes.

I didn't need to talk to her today. I just wanted to be near her. I wanted to sit in the same room as her and just feel her physically near me. Soon I won't be able to do that. I laid in bed with her and told her every little thought that rolled through my mind. I talked about everything, but actually said nothing. Sometimes she followed the conversation, sometimes she told me things like "We really need to find the Elmer's glue and the paintbrushes to give the kids." I shudder to think what the children would do with Elmer's glue and paintbrushes.

As she drifted into sleep again I wished I had a camera. My Mom is so beautiful. I wanted to capture how calm she looked. How peaceful she much have felt. I wanted to hold that moment, that beauty, that love and suspend it in reality forever so she would never leave.

A few minutes later she woke up and was talking to me. I was sitting all curled up on her bed and she suddenly said she wished she had a camera so she could take a picture of me sitting on her bed. She then tried to tell me all the things you tell someone you think you might not get to talk to again, but it is hard to find the words. And she doesn't need words. I already know. I feel the same way.

There are no words.

I never wanted to leave her bed. I wanted to lay there forever with her and be her little girl, and love her, and bathe in her radiance and beauty. I found comfort in her sage green room. Soon she won't be there anymore.

I hate cancer.


Lynda said...

Oh.... I can't stop crying. I am SO sorry for your pain, I'm just sitting here with the tear, and you're right, there are no words.

I will dry my tears and pray, and pray, for your mom, but you're right, she'll be okay...
All I can do is pray, mostly for you. *hugs*

Pyewacket said...

There are no words. I mourn your pain and rejoice in the love and understanding between you.

Cancer terrifies me.

Bitterknitter said...

Oh, Mama. ((((((HUGS)))))) Cancer is worst when it robs us of a piece of ourselves. May your pain subside as your mother's ceases, and know that she will always be with you in the part of your soul she helped to forge.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way.


Chris said...


strangelittlemama said...

I hate cancer, too. It took my mama twelve years ago and breaks my heart to this day.
You sound like you have an amzing, beautiful relationship with your mother. You will never forget.

mama_tulip said...

I am right there with you.

Keep writing. Later, you'll be glad you did.

*deep breaths*

candsmom said...

I wish I knew the words to say, but I think you captured it most eloquently when you said that there are no words. I can't stop crying. My heart aches for you so much, Mamma. Reading your post absolutely breaks my heart. I so wish there were something I could do to ease your pain, to stop the cancer, to stop time. I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs*

kimberly said...

I wish I could stop crying right now. I'm just so very sorry and my heart aches for both of you. I'm sending hugs and lots of prayers your way.

Katrina said...

I feel for you so much.

Janis said...

Hi, I am from the BC board that your Mom posts on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As a person with BC, our biggest fears are not dying but those who we leave behind. Your mom has shared you with us.

Your Mom is a wonder lady. Thank you for being there with her.

Janis (aka Fitztwins)

Anonymous said...

I hate cancer too!
Your words touched me so and took me back to when I too sat in my grandmothers bed and we talked of what each of us meant to the other.
Prayers of love, peace and strength going up for you and Mom.
Carrie (csp)

Jeanie said...

This is such a beautiful post. I haven't been to your blog in a long time and am so sorry to read that your mom's cancer is progressing. Breast cancer runs in my family too and I too hate it.

Please know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

Big hugs.

Taffi said...

I'm so sorry. I've been wondering how you and your mom are doing. Cherish these moments together. I wish I'd had a chance to tell my dad goodbye.