Thursday, April 27, 2006

Musings on Anger

I guess I am moving around in the grieving process. I've got a lot of rage.

What an odd emotion anger is. It is like fire. I know why it's always depicted visually as red.

It flares from nowhere. It consumes everything within arms span. It rages then smolders for hours before dying out. Such a destructive emotion.

I had the biggest fight with The Greatest yesterday. I was mildly annoyed at something someone we mutually know did. Someone who is more his friend than mine. It was no big deal, the kinda thing you shrug at, say how annoying, and go on loving the annoying offender.

But last night it was huge. And I don't know what happened. I was angry, then I was screaming, then I was using language I don't usually use when the kids are awake. Slamming doors. Poignant silence. A real doozy of a fight.

The Greatest left me alone for a while. Then he came in our bedroom and sat quietly on our bed.

In that witchy tone I can get I asked "Do you want something?"

He lovingly asked "Why are we fighting?"


Then laughter.

I laughed until I cried, because I don't know why we were having such a terrible fight. I have no idea what happened.

I just know I've got a lot of rage issues all of a sudden.

I don't want this emotion to scar my soul.


kimberly said...

More tears. Hug!

Chris said...

Ok, that's a great example of why the Greatest is.


Amy said...

((((hugs)))) for you.

mama_tulip said...

You've got to let yourself feel this way, to let this anger out, and I'll bet you're doing what I did when my mom died -- taking it out on the Greatest because you can show that kind of anger and emotion infront of him, because you know he won't leave you and because you know he will still love you afterward. Because you know you can....because with him, it's safe.

I did the same thing. It's normal, I think. Exhausting, but normal.

Tam said...

What an understanding husband. Gee, I wonder why you are pi$$ed off? (sarcasm) One of the most important people in your life has just been cruelly ripped away from you. Duh. But you can't exactly punch God in the nose, can you? Hubby's closer.

Exercise helps vent the anger and it's better than bursting into flames all over everyone. (hug)

Katrina said...

I've always found it best to just work through the dark emotions as they come--let them blow right through you so they can burn out and disappear completely. It's the repressing them that can be damaging.

It sounds like you are keeping in touch with your feelings; identifying them, questioning them.

There will be good days and there will be bad days.

The Greatest sounds like he has more than earned his title.

shiguy4076 said...

It's ok to be angry. Poor Greatest. I'm glad he's so supportive.

Anonymous said...

That's grief, honey. It will hit you when you least expect it. I was so angry at God that I started thinking of him as a friend I loved, but wasn't talking to.