Friday, July 28, 2006

A bad mood

I know I'm supposed to be finishing almost finished objects, and blogging old FOs so there is a record of them somewhere. But I don't feel like it today. I'm feeling melancholy. Melancholy and fickle. I don't feel like doing anything I have to do. And I can't decide what I want to do. I'm sad and angry. I exhausted but I don't want to sleep. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, but I can't scratch it off to reveal something nicer.

I miss my Mom. I want her back and I want to throw a huge tantrum until I feel someone in charge is listening to me and will either a) return her to me or b) explain why not. But I know neither will happen. I've lost touch with people I love. I had a best friend in college. For four years we were inseparable. I don't know how we spent so much time together and didn't kill each other. We were room mates, took the same classes, same sorority, same everything together. Then we lost touch. To this day I can't say why, but it saddens me. Deeply. I miss her presence in my life. She was liquid gold sunshine, and just being around her was fun, and she made me fun too. Things were just "more" if she was there. And I miss that "more". But I could run into her at the supermarket someday. I could call an old friend and they could say "Guess who I saw the other day." She's still out there, making things "more." But I'll never run into my Mom at the grocery store. She's not anywhere I can touch. She's just gone. She's left this huge gaping hole I can't fill. I cry making lunch and tell the kids I'm crying because I hate canned ravioli. Not one of them ate the ravioli that day. I might have scarred them for life.

I'm sick of the constant limbo of waiting to hear about The Greatest's possible job. This waiting isn't a surprise, we knew it would be mid-August at the earliest before we knew something concrete. But this feeling of living a suspending life is wearing on one's soul. We need to take one course of action if we're moving and a completely different course if we're staying. Until then we do nothing surrounded by two lists of things that need done. It weighs heavy on my mind, even though I know I can't do anything about it.

I'm tired of half dreams, and unfulfilled dreams, and half knit garments.

I've got a secret project that is nearing completion. But I'm finding it's lacey goodness too tedious. I can't concentrate and focus the way I need to.

Evil taunts me and must be frogged.

I tried to cast on something new. But I don't have the needles for Starsky. I flip through my other patterns, but none really catch my eye. I find an aran sweater I love, but it is child sized. I know at some point I will up-size it, but not today. I try to hug my stash for inspiration, but there's too much to see at one time. Too many random possibilities. I need to organize it. But I just don't feel like it today. I resort to sitting in front of my computer looking at pictures of my stash to try and decide if I have yarn I want to use and what I want to use it for. That doesn't work.

I've cast on for Somewhat Cowl, but even as I knit I know my yarn sub is unsuitable and I'll never be happy with the results, but I knit and knit and knit anyways, just to knit. I can always frog it later with Evil when this strange funk leaves.

Until then I wander, unsatisfied, and cry.

I wish it would stop raining.


Lynda said...

Hang in there sweetie. I want you to know, I pray for you and your family regularly.

emotional girl said...

as cliche as it sounds it does get easier...the feelings or the sporadic funk doesn't go away but as you heal, they don't seem to cause as much pain as they did at first. remember it's okay to cry even while scooping out ravioli :)
you've been through an experience that has forever altered your life, you have to allow yourself time to fully feel it all.
i think about you lots....

Miriam said...

*hug* I know that somewhere she knows that you miss her. Not that that's much comfort, but she knows.

Katrina said...

Some days, just putting one foot in front of the other is an accomplishment. How could you not miss your mom? You are allowed your funky days, unwelcome as they are.

You are never far from my thoughts.

TrixieG said...

Hugs to you from far away.

Anonymous said...

((hugs))! Hang in there! :)

Anonymous said...

"yesterday they told you you would not go far, that night you opened and there you are; next day on your dressing room they've hung a star...

You are my star and inspiration. I commented on your blog long ago. You encouraged me to pick up a hook and I started crocheting, sparked by a memory of my grandma, whom I miss so much.

Being a man an incapable of multi-tasking, I finished my second project yesterday. I mailed it to my cousin, who is experiencing a heatwave at the moment, for her birthday today. Yay!

Parting with my work is difficult, but brings so much joy.

Despite my ability to crochet a blanket to keep you warm and bake a cherry pie to keep you fed, I remain single...and lonely. I identify with your conundrum of relationships. Gratefully, I still have mom, who for the last 14 years has been asking me to move back to CA. Guess what? I have plans to move in October. My inability to get a husband + the thought of losing mom is not pretty, but it is reality.

When people go, we would be inhuman not to miss them, even pine for them. You are right on course. May I suggest give time time, treasuring the memories and reliving your mother's love with your children? You are fortunate to have children, even canned ravioli traumatized kids!

Thank you for being you.

Kim said...

Of course you know that all of these emotions are normal, but I'm sorry you're feeling so sad :o(

I've been thinking about you.

amerimeximadre said...

hugs to you, Its okay to *FEEL* life,even if it hurts. go take a day just for you, join a kickboxing class and get some anger and pain out! I'm sorry you have to go through this at such a young age.