Monday, June 05, 2006

My Bad Day

Today is a bad day.

It's my Mom's Birthday.

She would be 52 today.

That's far too young for her to be gone already.

I remember when I first learned she had cancer. It was the day before Bird was born. Bird was already a week overdue, and I was huge, heavy, and swollen with child. I was so focused on the impending birth I almost forgot my Mom had an appointment for her biopsy result that day. The site they biopsied was so small they had to put a wire in it to ensure they took out the correct piece of tissue. We were so sure it was going to be nothing. Or at least I was sure it was going to be nothing. She was my Mom, it had to be nothing.

I remember standing in my kitchen with my ugly blue marble counter top barely listening to what my Sister was telling me. She had gone to the appointment with Mom. They had stopped at my house to drop off mail or something on their way back home. Mom was too tired to get out of the car and come in, so my Sister was sent in alone to tell me the news. There I was in my kitchen wearing my favorite maternity top barely listening to what my Sister was telling me. In fact I wasn't listening to a word she was saying until she said my name quite urgently to get my attention, followed by the words "It's cancer."

Things spun around me for a moment, the air was surreal. Things were going to be different. This was going to be hard. But I didn't think she was going to die.

And when the cancer came back in August (I guess technically it never left, we just thought it did) I still didn't really think she was going to die. I was worried about it, but in my heart of hearts I didn't believe anything that bad could happen to her. We would go through chemo again, and she would be sick for a while, then she would be fine again. She would be my Mom again.

She died a little less than two years from her initial diagnosis. She died less than a year from her second diagnosis. She didn't make it to her birthday.

I don't understand how this happened. I feel as if she just vanished ~Poof~ gone. And I don't know why she left, or where she went. Sure I can tell my children she is in Heaven with God, but I don't know what that means. I just feel like a confused child who doesn't understand what's happened to them.

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I love you Mom. I miss you so much.

Happy Birthday.


mama_tulip said...

So much of your story and your mom's story is similar to mine and my mom's.

It's a difficult day for you, indeed. I'm thinking of you.

Gentle ((hugs)).

rincaro said...

Ugh. I just wanna hug you and come over with girly drinks and yarn and stupid movies. Or something. *hugs*

Katrina said...

Thinking of you and surrounding you with warm, loving thoughts.

TrixieG said...

My heart hurts for you, my friend. Sending loving thoughts and hugs your way.

Pyewacket said...

I have absolutely nothing useful to say. But I hear you, and I grieve for you.

shiguy4076 said...

Oh mama I'm so sorry. Even though I'm not physically with you I'm giving you a big hug.

Taffi said...

The first big anniversary day is always really hard. Hell, the next several aren't much better. I'm sorry. (Hugs) to you.

emotional girl said...

wanted to let you know i was thinking about you.
sorry just doesn't seem like enough but it's the only word that can be remotely used to let you know that we all feel your pain and wish we could take it away for you.

Amy said...

I'm thinking of you, Mamma. I wish there were something we could do to make you feel better, but please know you're in our thoughts and prayers.

Tricotine said...

So sorry about your loss...

Candyce said...

I know just how you feel..I lost my Mom when she was 51 also. She was daignosed at 42 and had one recurrance after another. It is a terrible loss to lose one's mother. Our mother is the one who we knew cared unconditionally about us. Who loved us and held us in her heart. Now we hold our Mom's in our heart.