It all began in the wee hours of a Tuesday morning.
I was up in the middle of the night with the squishiest of squishy babies. We had rolled through our usual routine. Even though her urgent cries had pulled me from my bed she would sleep peacefully on the couch while I was milked like a cow. She would then drink a bottle of milk before returning to sleep. At this point I would have been up for an hour or so and I would be hungry. So I would eat my first breakfast (not to be confused with my second breakfast, which I would eat around 7 a.m. Like a normal person. Or a hobbit, since it is a second breakfast.)
I was cleaning up my pumping parts/putting away my breakfast dishes when I saw it, a fluffy ball of white thread on our tall counter.
"How odd" I thought, since despite the fact that I desperately need to sew Squishy's baby quilt while she is still a baby and will fit it, I had not done any sewing, and there was no reason for a ball of fluffy white thread to be on my counter.
I leaned closer and that was when I realized the fluffy white ball of thread had eyes.
Lots and lots of legs.
Holy hell the fluffy white ball of thread was some sort of mutant hairy white black eyed spider.
KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fortunately for me I'd had an encounter with a cricket earlier that morning and the fly swatter was conveniently on the counter, right within arms reach.
I wielded the swatter with all my might, slamming it down on the counter with all the force my body could produce.
In an stunning counter move the spider evaded my blow and swung from the tall counter down to the regular counter and was lost behind the bottle warmer.
I tried to tell myself that the entire encounter was a sleep deprived hallucination. And even if the spider had been real and if he was feeling vengeful for the failed attempt on his life my bed was far from the kitchen, and I went upstairs to sleep.
I only laid awake thinking about the disastrous encounter for an hour or so.
And I might have cried.
All was quiet for four days, I'd almost forgotten about the creepy creepy spider squatting in my house.
Then I got up early in the morning with a certain squishy baby. She was toying with the idea of sleeping through the night, and this time it was around six a.m. We keep the measuring cup for the bottle warmer full of water at all times for faster bottle warming. I dumped the water in the warmer, pressed the magic button to warm Her Majesty's milk, and turned to refill the measuring cup.
And then I screamed.
Perched right on top of the faucet was a fluffy white ball of thread.
I whacked and whacked and whacked at the faucet with the fly swatter.
Despite the fact that I could not find the remains of my enemy I was sure my frenzied attack had to have destroyed him. With extreme predjudice.
And even if he hadn't been crushed, surely I had wounded him, and he had merely crawled off to his hiding place to die.
Triumphantly I texted The Greatest to let him know I had killed the "creepy ass" spider all by myself.
And I only cried a little.
A week later I was sitting on the couch being milked like a cow.
I felt a little tickle on my arm. I figured it was a stray hair and I absently brushed the back of my arm trying to find it. I hit something and turned to look and
OH MY GOSH IT IS THAT CREEPY CREEPY WHITE SPIDER ON THE COUCH
IT WAS ON ME IT WAS ON ME IT WAS ON ME
KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frantically I whacked at it with my bare hand. I know I hit it. I know I did. But it kept on running. Right off the couch, and then under the couch.
Frankly I'm surprised I didn't drag the couch outside onto the driveway and light it on fire.
I certainly didn't sit on the couch for a few days.
And I may or may not have stayed awake at night wondering if it was the same spider or a family of white spiders squatting in my home. And if it was the same spider did it have super powers? How was it still alive?
The very next day I saw it. It was on the kitchen ceiling just above the fridge.
I called for reinforcements.
I don't call him The Greatest for nothing.
He took the fly swatter and made a single targeted attack.
He swears he made contact.
There were a smear on the ceiling where the spider once was.
But without a body I can't be sure.
I can't be sure it is really dead.
I can't be sure it isn't hiding.
Building his army.
I may have to burn the house down.
Its the only way to be sure.