Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The things they'll do to get out of having to eat my cooking

I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.

That isn't so much a declaration of maternal love, more of a mantra I've been chanting to keep myself from harming them.

I was feeding the baby a bottle. All was normal. Kids were playing. Then I realized Meaty and Bird were being quiet. All parents are familiar with that "too quiet" quiet. That silence that screams impending doom. I sent Pork Chop to see what they were into. She came back an announced that they were playing with potatoes. No biggie. What harm could they cause with potatoes. The worst thing they could do was take a bite out of them, and since they were destined to be boiled then mashed tomorrow (the potatoes, not the children), I didn't think a missing chunk here or there would make a difference. I continued feeding the baby and didn't give the quiet children another thought. In fact I was a little relieved they had found something so simple and non-messy and quiet to play with.

Or so I though......

As Squeaky was finishing her bottle Meaty wandered into the room. He was unimaginably happy. The kind of happiness that comes from doing something illicit. I'd seen that look before. He had huge clumps of white all over him. A closer look told me they hadn't been playing with potatoes, it was something much worse. They had opened a new tub of VEGETABLE SHORTENING and spread the ENTIRE TUB on themselves, the kitchen, the dining room and most importantly the carpet. I guess shortening clumps do resemble mashed potatoes to a five year old.

When Pork Chop was about Birds age she smeared most of a tub of Vaseline on her head. She had the same smile Meaty was sporting. It took us six weeks and a bottle of dawn to get the grease out of her hair. I didn't think my other children could top that story. But they did.

I've cleaned the children. Their hair is limp but their skin looks fabulous. So smooth and soft and slightly luminous, you know, cause oil makes things shiny. I cleaned the shelves in the kitchen, and my antique cabinet, which is also looking conditioned and shinny. I've cleaned the dining room table and chairs, the toys, and the changing table. So far nothing is worse for wear. But the floors will never be the same.

I've washed the kitchen floor five times now and it is still slick. It looks clean, but don't walk across it in socks. It's slick as can be.

The carpet is ruined. We tried pulling up all the clumps, then blotting, then washing. It's still white. I'm trying cornstarch now to absorb some of the oil, but since the carpet is wet from cleaning I don't know if it will work. I'm afraid it will never be the same, and our deposit on the apartment is as good as gone.

All I can think is Thanksgiving is TOMORROW, didn't they think I had enough to do as it is. I've spent all afternoon either cleaning or researching cleaning methods to restore the house. And since they used all the shortening I can't make pies tonight. I know I'm not a champion pie maker like my Aunt, and her mother before her, but I didn't think it was that bad. There are easier ways to get out of eating my pumpkin praline pie, like saying "no thank you." That's my children. Always going with the big dramatic gestures when a simple "no thank you" will suffice.

And when I called The Greatest to tell him what HIS children had done all he had to say was "Did they get my fish tank." No honey that was on the other side of the room. But I'm thinking of getting his fish tank. Who named this guy The Greatest anyways?

8 comments:

Sonya said...

Oh my goodness, I can't stop laughing. I woke my husband from a nap with an OH NO when I got to the shortening, not potatoes part.

My mom sat my little brother in the living room after getting him ready for church one time. When she came to collect him after she was ready, he had managed to smear Vaseline over himself from head to toe. Needless to say, we didn't make it to church that day. I'll have to ask her if he had that euphoric look on his face.

You moms are amazing!

Miriam said...

*lol* Sometimes C goes a little crazy and my favorite memory is when he strode into the kitchen, threw open the cupboards, put both his hands in the Crisco tub, and then raked his fingers through his hair and posed chest out with a big super-hero grin. I laughed so hard!

However, best of luck getting it out of the carpet. Maybe rent one of those carpet cleaning machines from the grocery store? I keep wanting to do that, but not getting around to it.

kimberly said...

Do your kids talk to my kids? I think they know when we are the busiest and don't have time to clean up their messes. Just the other day, I was sick with a fever, Alexander was very quiet in the kitchen and managed to spill milk down the front of my kitchen cabinets. Milk dribbled into every pot, every fork, every Tupperware container I had stored there. FUN! Why doesn't he play with water?
You could always buy ready-made crust. Happy Thanksgiving!

Amy said...

Just a thought about the carpet. I'd imagine that if you heat that Crisco up, (Say with a hair dryer or something) it would melt a bit, yah? ANd then maybe you can blot it better with a towel and then go to it with the degreasers. And yes, I did spend a considerable time thinking about this, but just because I'm living in perpetual fear of something like this myself. We already made it snow in the kitchen a couple of years ago after the kids found the cake flour.

Aprilynne said...

Those moments are frightening yet funny ... eventually! I'll have to moisturize my monkeys with shortening sometime =)

If you have any of the waterless hand cleaner like Goop or some off brand, that stuff works on anything oil based. It even gets crayon that's been thru the drier out of t-shirts!

knittinmom said...

Oh, man! That is too funny. I was trying to think of all the things a kid could do with a potato that would put that look on his face...

Good luck w/ your carpet - your landlord will wish he made you put a kid deposit down in addition to the regular deposit! It's a good thing they can't ban kids like they can pets...

candsmom said...

Oh man, that's the funniest story ever! I feel a little bad finding humor in your pain, but it's so hilarious! Poor Pork Chop. I guess potatoes and shortening really do look alike from a distance. Security deposits and kids are mutually exclusive entities. ;-) Can't wait to see the finished pics of your shawl- it looks incredible.

Kim said...

Considering all that they *could* have smeared all over themselves you probably got off easy...LOL! Whatever would we do without these kids (and oh so helpful husbands) to keep us on our toes?