Monday, January 03, 2011

Goodbye and Good Riddance 2010

So it is safe to say that 2010 was a bad year for us. My health just went down hill. I had a headache. All year. It is so stupid. It's a headache. All this fuss for a headache. Something most people cure with Tylenol. But it is bad one. A end each day throwing up from the pain and praying for death cause it hurts so bad one and I'm so sick of hurting so bad each and every single day. I have chronic migraines that affect my daily life and I no longer live the life I am accustomed to. And I'm bitter and angry over the whole thing. In the past year I've been on three different preventative drugs. None of which have prevented, but they've given me a host of new and fun side effects (stupid pills make me stupid). I've been on a myriad of pain relievers. They've relieved in varying degrees, but if they really work I'm unconscious, which doesn't help much if I'm home alone with the children. I've seen specialists. I've been poked and prodded and weighed and given blood. It is all big big fun. My favorite part was when I went for a super special shot that was guaranteed to get rid of my headache and I was part of the 1% of the population that reacts badly to the shot and I left in worse shape that I arrive in. There was vomiting, and a shot to stop the vomiting, and more vomiting, and more shots to stop the vomiting, and more vomiting. I had to be wheeled out in a wheelchair. That was the highlight of my September (or was that October? it all blurs together at this point.) I wish I had been blogging. It was so sad it was comical. Would have made a good story. Maybe someday I'll type up the long version. It really is hilarious if you aren't the one it happened to. Much of my life is something from a comedy. I should be grateful for that. It is better to live a comedy than a tragedy right?

So lots of changes this past year. I've learned to live my life according to the spoon theory. If you aren't familiar with the spoon theory, go give it a read, it is interesting and applies to any form of chronic illness, not just me and my stupid head. I do less. Some days I push myself harder than others. Some days I have more "spoons". For a long time I simply didn't have a spoon for blogging.

And I missed it.

I save my pain pills for the worst of the worst nights. At the end of September I got a new Doctor. A new Doctor meant new pills. New preventative, and he upped my dosage of my pain medication. I get 10 very expensive pain pills a month, see why I save them for the worst of the worst nights. In October I took all my allocated pain meds for that month, plus all the lower dosage pain meds I had left over from my old Dr. On November 1st I was first in line at the pharmacy to refill my prescription. In November I took all my pain pills, but I took the last one on November 30th. I refilled my prescription on December 1st. I was surprised when I went to take a pain pill on December 29th and I discovered I still had half my pain pills left. So while I feel like my preventative isn't working as much as I would like I guess it is doing something besides making my feet feel like they have pins and needles all the time (see fun side effects).

I've realized that I've slowly gotten more "spoons" each day. I have more good days than bad. I'm careful. My days still revolve around pain management. It is exhausting to constantly think about my head and plan and compare and compensate if I do x then I can't do y. But there is hope now. And I'm hoping to add blogging back into my daily life. I can't promise words or stories each day. But I also want to try project 365 this year. So some days, like Saturday and Sunday, might be just pictures. Other days, you get pictures and word. And some days, like today, you get words and later on, an unrelated picture. Cause right now it is 10:00 in the morning, I still haven't gotten dressed yet, let alone thought about taking a picture. Hey go easy on me, I am a work in progress, as is my blog. But aren't you glad you're along for the ride?


Lainey said...

We've missed you! But I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling a little better at a time. The Spoon Theory is a great way to explain something like that! You're here, you're doing what you must, we'll take what we can get. I hope it all gets better!!

shiguy4076 said...

I just read the spoons theory and it made me wish I lived closer so that I knew what was going on in your daily life. I miss you and wish I was there to help you when you need it. I've missed reading you but I understand now why you haven't be able to post. I'll pray for your good days so I can read about it. Hugs!