Monday, July 25, 2005

Can I borrow your ego?

I've had an unusual weekend. I went to spend the weekend with my best friend for her daughters fifth birthday party. My best friend is perfect. She is always put together. She lost all her baby weight within a month of giving birth and is rail thin with no cellulite. Her hair is always perfect. Her children are children, but if she tells them to stop they stop. That's a pretty impressive thing. If you didn't know her you would hate her just looking at her. No one should be that perfect. But when you talk to her you find she is wonderful. She's funny, and thoughtful, and kind, impossible to hate. We laugh together. She's everything a best friend should be. I love her. She sold her house and moved a week after we sold our house and moved. We sold our house and moved because the economy has not been kind to our family. We are now staying with my parents until we get back on our feet (we have a plan it's just going to take a few more months.) She sold her house to move closer to her Mother who is very ill. She stayed with her in-laws for a few weeks, then she bought a new house. Now instead of living several minutes from me, she lives several hours from me. We went to see her and had a great time. But I was struck by the dichotomy of who we are as people. I was so jealous of her house. I cried. I want a place of my own so bad it physically hurts. Her house is huge and beautiful, but I don't even want a huge beautiful house, I just want a crappy apartment in a fairly safe neighborhood that I can call mine. I miss having a place to call mine, with my things, that I can decorate. A place where my children can be themselves, where I don't feel they are constantly being watched to see if they are getting into things they shouldn't. Meaty is getting very physical with his sisters when they touch his stuff. I think it's because he is constantly told not to play with things because they are his grandparents and he feels he has to fight for what is his. Somedays I feel overwhelmed by his behavior and the fact that its not getting better. My best friend's son is the same age as Meaty and he was a perfect angel. All the fights between the two boys were started by my son. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be jealous of my best friend. I want to be happy for her that things are going well for her. And I am happy for her. I also know things are hard on her with her Mother and I am paralyzed by my inability to help her with that struggle. I feel like a bad friend. So I'm feeling like a bad friend and a bad mother. Then I meet one of my best friend's new friends. She is a wonderful woman. So funny, a lot like my best friend. And I inadvertently offended her. I made a joke, the kind I would make with my Mom or Sister. The kind they would laugh at, but I offended this woman. I didn't mean to. I'm very upset that I accidentally offended this woman that I barely knew. So now I'm feeling socially inept. The Greatest, and he is the greatest because I can confess these things to him and not feel judged, he says I just can't see myself from the outside. He's not sure who I'm looking at when I talk about myself. He says I always downplay my talents when I shouldn't. I always just shrug about my knitting and tell people a trained monkey could do it, and he says that's just not true. But I really feel that way. It's no big deal, if I can do it anyone can. I don't think it's special or unique to me. I've been in this thing for about eight months now where I'm really down on my body. I know what set me on the path, but that issue is gone, and now I just can't get off this ride. I've lost my baby weight. I'm down to pre-pregnancy size (even if I have gained five pounds since moving in with my Mother). But that isn't enough. My stomach is still round, I think my thighs are too big, my boob will never go back where they belong without the help of a good plastic surgeon and the lottery. But the Greatest thinks I must be looking in a fun house mirror. He says he doesn't see any of that. I think he might need glasses. Actually I'm wondering where did my self-esteem go. Why is my view of myself so distorted and negative? When did I become this person? Got any spare self-esteem laying around?

4 comments:

Darci said...

Oh, dear girl....how I hear your plea. This to will pass but at this point you are feeling pretty worthless. The best advise I have is to every morning or night or even lunch - just assign a time and keep to it - write down 10 or 5 or 1 thing that is great about you. Set the number and set the time and keep to it. Your blog is also a good place to vent and be safe. Be certain that we have all been jealous of our BF and offended a new aquaintence...I always say if I have not offended someone today then the day is not complete. Feel my hugs from afar and know that most have been there and all have survived...

rincaro said...

I've been there. All my friends have houses and we're still in an apt. They are all skinny and perfect, and I alas am not.

But then I look at my amazing kids and my wonderful husband and I can push most of it out of my head. But I know it's hard.

Hugs.

jacki said...

I am definitely with The Greatest on this one. I am so surprised to hear (well, read) that you're feeling this way. Just this morning I was thinking about how nice it would be to live closer to you, so that we could actually get together now and then. (I was not planning on mentioning it, because I'm afraid I sound like such a loser.) You are one of the sweetest people I know. I feel like a walking fashion crisis, like I have no sense of style, so when I read your comment I got the biggest smile on my face, and not many things have been able to do that lately. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I was bright and witty like you. And I'm really surprised that you don't like your body - you are so cute and petite that I can hardly believe that you have three children - three beautiful, healthy, well-cared for children.
I know how easy it is to look at yourself under a microscope and focus so much on your flaws that you can't see what a fabulous woman you are. Just remember that other people see it. ::hugs::

rincaro said...

The cleaning bug didn't last long. I was vacuuming 2 minutes before my husband got home - he had asked me to and I forgot!

The knitpicks shine is pretty dreamy to work with. I don't love the way the twist works up though - I would recommend a solid color. I have frogged it multiple times and it's still hanging in there.