Friday, July 01, 2005

Hey Victoria I got your secret right here

Ok Dad you don't want to read this.

So I went bra shopping today (I warned you not to read this Dad). I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding since 2002. I need a bra that fits and that doesn't have an easy release in the front for breastfeeding. I have endured plain white with a clasp and two-inch thick straps for years. I have earned a decent bra. I have earned the Promised Land of bras. I have earned a Victoria's Secret Bra.

So I go to Victoria's Secret. I get measured. The woman tries to tell me I'm an A cup. I am not an A cup. I'm small but not nonexistent (or so I thought). So we try on an A cup and no I'm not an A. Then I try on bra after bra. None of them fit right. None of them looked right. I wasn't instantly transformed into a sex goddess. I didn't have any cleavage. I looked decidedly unfuckable. In short I looked nothing like this

decidedly fuckable

I was very depressed. I left the store in my too big, stained, white, stretched out nursing bra with its revolutionary one-handed clasp.

After crying on the car ride home I realized where I went wrong. I wore the wrong clothes bra shopping. As I stood there wearing a black bra and these

decidedly unsexy

No wonder I wasn't transformed into a sex goddess. A sex goddess does not wear shorts with an elastic waistband. A sex goddess wears a matching thong, or at the very least a pair of hot pants. I was also wearing pink flip-flops. Again a sex goddess does not wear pink flip-flops. I should have worn stiletto heels or at least a strappy sandal with a two-inch heel. The lighting was bad. Where was my back lighting? Sure I was lit from above, but I wasn't strategically lit from above and behind. I blame that on the store. And finally I left my wind-machine at home. How could I dream of trying on a bra without my wind-machine? You just don't get the full effect without a wind-machine. Maybe tomorrow I will go back. Maybe tomorrow I will go back with my stilettos and my wind-machine. Maybe tomorrow I'll take my stilettos and wind-machine go to Wal-Mart, all the humiliation at half the price.


rincaro said...

Don't forget about the posture. You have to stand at just the right angle to make your hips look slim, your waist disappear, and your breasts increase 50-fold. It's all about the posture.

jacki said...

Victoria's Secret is an evil place. I think it's designed to intimidate the boobs right off of you. Maybe you should try Frederick's. It's a lot more fun, and quite a bit less expensive. Then again, Walmart is even less expensive than that...